Today I'm posting about the downfall of my old lifestyle, the moments that caused it to occur, the times when I realised that that was truly not how I wanted to live my life, or who I wanted to be, those turning points in my life which have made me who I am today living in a new lifestyle.
Before I get to that, I'll talk a little about before I entered the gay lifestyle at around age 14.
-Before entering the lifestyle-
I hit puberty about the age of 10, in the fifth grade, and I was attracted to girls like most dudes are. I remember everytime we went to the grocery store I'd slink off to the magazine aisle and flip through the mags with hot girls on the cover like car mags or some model mags. I remember I'd also steal the little subscription cards inside because they often had a hot chick on them showing ample cleavage, haha do I need to emphasise what I used those for? I remember we had satellite back then too, and my parents left me and my brother home one summer I must have been 12 or so. Well my dad had got a card which allowed us to get every satellite channel for free (though it was illegal) well while they were gone my bro and I'd flip to the adult channels and watch them and well we'd do what boys did to that, masturbate, though separately, we never did it in the same room ,we took turns who could watch the tv. I remember I'd also draw my own hot girls, nude, though they weren't that good, but in my mind they were masterpieces.
I had crushed on girls in kindergarten, but in that sort of whimsical way a little boy who doesn't understand anything sexually does. My first real crush on a girl was in the sixth grade, I thought she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, her name was Ruth. I managed to talk to her somehow, never sure how, but she was alright with me I guess, I can at least say she knew I existed. In 7th grade I was influenced by my best friend at the time to try out witchcraft, which I admit was interesting. Ever since I was a kid I was into magic and mystic stuff, loved it in movies and tv shows. So I tried it out, went to a bookstore, bought a spellbook (the kind where a person has made spells and put them in a book already, not the kind where you make up and write in your own), and I brought my spellbook to school to read. Well my homeroom teacher saw it and said she didn't want to see that kind of material at school, I'll discuss that at a later time. Anyway, a little while before, maybe a month or so it got out to Ruth that I liked her, and then when the whole witchcraft thing got out, she avoided me thinking I was going to cast a love spell on her and make her my love slave. I know, that is funny in retrospect, but I wasn't happy she thought I was a bad person.
At the end of 7th grade, I made a new best friend as my old one had moved across town so I never got to see him. This new best friend of mine was a really feminine guy and we got along well. I think, though I don't blame him, that I was in the gay lifestyle a lot at his influence, because I entered the gay lifestyle a little after I befriended him and I exited it after we stopped being friends, yes we were friends for about 7 years. In eighth grade I liked a mutual friend of ours but she was seeing another friend of ours, but me and her did confess that we both liked each other and if she weren't dating our other friend we'd go out. Needless to say we never did. I also sort of liked another friend of ours and asked her to the 8th grade dance, but she turned me down, I remember my dad picking up from school that day, because he always did and I was upset about it. I entered the gay lifestyle a little later that year. So to be honest I don't know if girls rejecting me played a big part in my venture into an exclusively gay lifestyle, but I imagine it did play at least some small part in that. All I know is throughout almost all of my gay lifestyle I felt failed as a man, I told people that I never thought I could be attracted to women because I felt I could never be masculine. I remember telling my dad that when I told him I was gay and that was the reason I gave for why I didn't want to pursue women. Ironic how things change.
-The downfall-
I began to really want to change who I was when I was still participating in the lifestyle. It was right after my best friend and I split from being friends after some events where I lived with him and his family in another state and was abandoned up there by him so he could come live with his boyfriend he had back in Georgia, a good 300 miles away. My Dad and older brother came up there to get me and I moved back to Georgia and then is when I entered a strong isolatory phase. I didn't go to visit any of my old friends, I just stayed holed up in my room and avoided people except for my job and family. My best friend tried to keep contact with me like nothing happened at all and I tried to let him until my dad stepped in and said I needed to re-evaluate things and think about what he had done to me not just let him walk all over me. That really put a schism in our friendship, we fought over the internet which was my only way of communicating with him and we split. It was about 6 months after we split or so that I began to feel I wanted to change. I didn't want to change my lifestyle yet at that point, but I was tired of being feminine and I wanted to try my hand again at being masculine like I used to be before I entered the lifestyle. Here's some excerpts from a online journal I used to keep back then...
"These past few weeks or months maybe, I don't know, I may have been just so used to the feeling I didn't know if it was ongoing or not. But I've been downcast and entirely edgy. Feeling extremely cornered. Most of all misanthropic, loathing anything to do with people, any human contact at all, with family, anyone.
But the strange thing about today was, I felt like I grew up, strangely in a small hour period of time, I felt like I aged many years in such a short amount of time. I felt older, like an adult. Am I really feeling 21 now? Is 21 really supposed to feel more mature, more responsible, more capable to handle what comes your way, and not break to pieces because of it, more able to stand firm to your ground and buck up and survive? I don't know, but if that's how the real 21, the real feeling of adulthood is supposed to be, then I felt it.
And evenmoreso, I like it. On top of that, I felt manly. Now let me tell you about that. For once in my life, I'm actually starting to feel like a man, and I like it, I want to embrace it. I want to be a man. Maybe I'm finally growing up. But, years ago, you'd have never heard me say such a thing. But I want to be a man, I want to be strong and stable, and masculine and dependable, and much more responsible. Most of all I don't want to be that somewhat flaming feminine person anymore, that kind of person I've noticed over my years of being one, often gets no respect. Now I'm not sure why that is, but I want respect, I want to be who I was born as, and let's face it, I have a penis, so I'm a guy. Of course there's nothing wrong with men that are a bit flaming and feminine, that's fine, whatever works for them, but as for me I want to embrace my manliness.
Most people I expect upon reading this will comment. 'But we love you the way you are' and 'but you're so feminine, and don't change', but if you really love me for who I am, not ranting or anything, just stating, then you'll come to love me as being a man too. Just because I'm becoming a man, does not mean I'm less caring or less nice, I'm just the same in niceness and caring as then, but in a more silent and reinforced, reserved way. A sort of manly geniality. If any of you have ever met a real man, you'll know what I'm talking about. That gentle kindliness you feel, when a guy smiles with a calming demeanor, like he understands, but he doesn't have to say it for you to know that he does. Also I need more guy friends. Guy friends who know what it's like to be a guy, who are manly, and do men's things somewhat, who won't judge me because I'm gay, because even in becoming a man, I'm afraid that's not going to change. That doesn't mean I'm dropping any friends, I'm just saying I need to hang out with more guys, so I can get more of the feel of it, more of being in my own element.
I also realised today, that changes take time. You can't force yourself to change, otherwise you start cracking, and forcing it too much you're going to break. Changes aren't easy, and changes do hurt, no lie in that, but changes are what help you grow and bring about more of a self-identity than ever before. And choosing what you want to change, is how you make your life or a least put it on the track of how you want to live."
So that's when things began to change for me, when I desired to change. And I've kept true to myself, I have, and I've done it at a comfortable pace as well. That was dated February 6th of 2009.
Now when I began to realise I hated the homosexual lifestyle was probably early on. I remember hated being called gay by classmates or the bully in my neighbourhood, it was such a disdainful word for me and I despised it. When people asked me I'd avoid answering or say I was straight, more or less because I didn't want them to judge me, but little did I realise they did that regardless. The moments where I really took note of how I hated the lifestyle though was after sexual encounters I felt so used and dirty, and the fact I also felt that I was a failure as a gay man at the age of 20 since I had yet to have sex, as all other gay men I knew had already had it. It was so bad in my mind, that I signed up for a gay site and put up a personal ad seeking just sexual encounters. In hindsight, after knowing myself and how I stand on sex, how I want it to be a special thing and see it as such, I was disgusted at myself for doing it. But I did it because I was ashamed to be a gay virgin, and because I thought I was at the age where I thought I should be having sex regularly. It seemed like everyone else was, so why wasn't I? What was wrong with me? I was expecting my ad to get me a lot of replies back, since the site seemed riddled with horndogs; however, after one month of not a single reply, it dawned on me that that wasn't the way I should be going after anything. So I gave up on trying to lose my virginity, and in hindsight I'm very glad I never got a reply at all.
Shortly after that post I just listed an excerpt from, about one month later, I had my final gay sexual encounter person-to-person. I met him on a website for foreskin restoration, which is something I'll go into more detail at a later date. However this man I met was my same age and we had interacted a little on webcam already so he thought it would be a good idea to meet up, to discuss restoring, though I knew he was wanting something sexual, this wasn't for restoring at all, no matter what label we attached to it. So we arranged it and I was set on going through with it though I was nervous as hell. This was the one and only time I had ever gone to meet someone I've never met before in person just for sexual purposes. We weren't in a relationship, this was going to be something purely sexual. I lied to my parents said I was staying the night with a college friend, and went to meet this guy. As soon as I met him I noted how very attractive he was, tall, thin, good looking, though I had known these things over seeing him on the net, it makes a different impression in person. Well we got back to his place and immediately started in on sexual things, he suggested we take a shower together so we did and in the midst of it began getting really sexual. In the middle of sexual things he said the water got cold so we'd continue in his bedroom, so we got out and when we got to the bedroom, nothing happened sexually after that shower. I sat around his apartment not able to go home and feeling awkward, wondering why he stopped wanting to do anything sexual with me. I deduced altogether that he just viewed me as below him in attraction so he wanted nothing to do to me, and his attitude did show that. Let me set it straight that I've been told by a lot of people I'm attractive, but I guess for this guy since I wasn't exactly model-like as he was I just wasn't good enough so he cast me aside. The rest of that night was awkward, he kept trying to get a hold of his friends to have us go smoke hookah, which I know isn't really hazardous to one's health but all forms of smoking to me make me uncomfortable. Luckily his friends were too busy to get together so we stayed at his place and smoked his hookah which I didn't like so I didn't really touch it, I tried it though, but mostly stalled so I wouldn't have to. Other than that he just played on his i-phone the whole time and ignored me while I was bored out of my mind watching tv wishing I could magically teleport myself back home. We went to bed around midnight, where we slept naked in the bed together, me on one side, him on the far other side. I tried to make sexual advances, even just contact advances like cuddling up together, he would have none of it and just moved away claiming he was too hot. It made me feel even more unwanted and stupid than before. The next morning we awoke went to eat together at IHOP where we struggled to find topics to talk about, it ended up mostly with him complaining about the service and the economy. Then he drove me home and said we should do it again sometime. I knew there'd never be another time and secretly I was glad, I'd had to say that was one of the worst experiences I've had in my life regarding meeting someone I had an interest in.
-The uprise-
Soon after that horrible experience I was talking with another friend who was part of the same site and we got to talking, this man is an older married man who also had some attraction to men, but he disavowed it and disliked those feelings. I felt really on the same level as this man as I hated most all my gay experiences, felt like I didn't belong after every single one, like they just weren't for me. I sort of realised then that I never really felt the gay lifestyle was for me at all, that maybe it was true that I was just confused and in a phase where I knew no way out and thought I was just stuck in this lifestyle I hated for the rest of my life. That is when he opened my eyes, he sent me what I consider to be my liberation manual, a book called "Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Approach" by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. You can see it here if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/Reparative-Therapy-Male-Homosexuality-Clinical/dp/0765701421
As I read this book I couldn't help but just be shocked at how it seemed like every sentence and statement I read was echoing and reverberating how I felt, and how many of the situations in my life had unfolded. I was reading my biography basically, except I was entirely unaware someone had been reviewing my life, that is how to the point this book fit with my life and how I felt about the lifestyle I had been living. The book's psychological approach mused me because I have a strong interest in psychology and made absolute sense of all the confusion about my sexuality that I had experienced in my life into a nice understandable format. I had found my life and what had really happened to it, how I missed key moments in my life and how to repair those to become a new-found man I had never dreamt of becoming before, a heterosexual man. Normal! Average! Hearing, or rather reading such words was like a light upon my downtrodden heart of past failures, abuses, and misconceptions that my life had become, some parts knowingly and some unknowingly. Midway through the book I decided that the gay lifestyle indefinitely was no longer how I wanted to live, I was done with it in my heart and knew how I wanted to live. I embraced the possibility that I could indeed recoup my lost and thought to be entirely unattainable masculinity that I had once held onto so long ago. I could re-enter liking women once more as I had done when I first started puberty and had left behind 7 years prior, and most of all I could really have that family I've always dreamt of, children of my own, and the best part to me this wasn't all 'too good to be true' it was 'undeniably attainable' almost inevitable. I know I can't divine the future exactly, but I knew then without a doubt, I could make it happen if I tried, it wasn't me fooling myself, it wasn't an illusion or delusion like I used to create in my mind with straight men falling for me. This time I would enter myself into a natural world, where I was the straight guy I had so longed to have, now I could be, I could find no fault in falling in love with a woman, no judgement, and no guilt.
I think I might put this post into two parts, though it'll be a little while until I make the second part as I'm currently re-reading the book right now. As I re-read I'm making notes for points in my further update which really jumped out to me when I read it the first time, spoke to my heart and transformed me. But so far this has been part one of my turning point of change, and will update later. Next post won't be the part two of my transforming, but instead I think I'll discuss my struggles with body image, society, and my journey to become what I can of my masculine ideal and what parts I have to accept I cannot be in that ideal.
Friday, 20 August 2010
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Influence and the things I don't want to change.
So on track with my last 2 posts, rehashing my change of lifestyle. I'm going to visit the things that I don't want to change about myself for sake of machismo, and my difficulties with influentialism and well as another issue.
-The things I don't want to change about myself-
I have found that there are things in my journey that directly conflict my search for and goal to obtain a solid machismo. Unfortunately, these things are things I love and have interest in. So I'll start right away by naming off some things. I love the colour purple, I think it's a beautiful colour, all it's shades to me just marks extreme levels of profoundness and depth. Sadly, purple is seen as a feminine colour, which makes me wonder since when did colours take on sexual distinction? I think that's pretty stupid.
Next are the shows and movies I like to watch, now a lot of me is a man's man in films and television programmes, I love watching sports especially soccer and love good action flicks. Yet part of me also loves a good romantic comedy like 27 Dresses, some musicals like Chicago, your classic romances such as Gone with the Wind or Casablanca, your common chick flick like 9 to 5 or Fried Green Tomatoes. While television programmes wise I love women's sitcoms like The Nanny, The Golden Girls, or other shows geared more toward a female audience like Charmed and Sex and the City. Of course liking these things really minuses from my masculine image when people hear about them, but I really like those shows and films I mentioned to me they spark an interest and are good entertainment.
My music tastes also reflect a side of feminism, I like pop (80s pop more specifically) that's my favourite kind of music and I listen to mostly female singers like Lady Gaga, Donna Summer, Olivia Newton-John (who I think is hot by the way), and many others. Most guys I know love rock or alternative bands like Nickelback and even bands I've never listened to, but have heard of like Coheed and Cambria and many many others. Some other things I like in this same theme are flowers, I think they're beautiful and I have a strong interest in botany, I actually even have a favourite flower, the red hibiscus. I just wish people didn't think if you like something feminine you're discounted as a man.I guess it can definitely be said I'm in touch with my feminine side, which for some girls can be a plus but most seem to like the rugged, manly, super man's man, which I do at least have got rugged down, as well as some man's man. 2 out of 3 isn't so bad.
-Influence and Enabling-
I think one of my biggest ties that keeps me partially in the old world is influence and enablement, and this impedes me from fully entering the world I want to live in and the self I want to be. As much as I am a loner person I do love cheering people up, and making people happy, and thus I tend to be too open at times. This can get me into trouble, especially when I've tried my luck at sexual sites to engage women into my sexual fantasies. I know writing that sounded wrong, but I see it as a way to help my attraction stay focused on the wonder and sexuality of women. Unfortunately a lot of those sites are also home to droves of gay men, so I get picked up on by them, liking what I have (we'll leave it at that). Me, partly being naive seeks to try to be friends with these men and appease them so in many cases I get influenced by them and manipulation, though I am aware it is happening. It usually ends with me showing them what I have and something sexual occurring, though I'm not too interested in what they have, keep in mind those occurrences only happen on the internet, not in person. But overall, it's still deterring me from what I really want, a life away from that and the past,
I still struggle with that issue now, I'm trying to find a way to curb my sexuality, which at times I can find daunting. Admittedly, I feel I have a rather high sex-drive and I wish I didn't, sometimes I feel it gets in the way of a lot of things, and so I dub this part of me which I despise as my bouts of hypersexuality. Times where I get too wrapped up in sexual feelings that I seek to relieve those needs often ending, in my opinion, in self-destructive ways. Such as with signing up for sexual websites (which I often realise as a bad thing and delete my account after a week or two) but I've gone on sexual sites many times. Overall I have to stay focused and find a way which does not tap into or enable my hypersexuality, I need to find a productive way to relieve that, which is why I am looking into a sensual toy, but it is costly so I haven't purchased one yet. Another facet of this is that when I'm hypersexual I feel bad about myself, like being aroused so much is immoral, even if I'm not relieving it in self-destructive ways. I just need better self-control is all. I need to make a definite schism of my sexuality from influential behaviours and most of all close myself up to others about parts of my life which do not need to be discussed with such open willingness.
Sexuality though I find it's good to have an openness, too much is always a bad thing, it can overrun all aspects of your life you were previously stable in and undermine them. So for me at least it's best I keep that part of me tightly closed and only open it up to who deserves it when I enter a meaningful relationship. For that I must delete all sexual outlets which have me sharing myself with others, the only sexual outlets I need are my imagination and one-on-one materials, nothing involving another interacting person. I feel better having typed that like I made my head a bit more clear and stable, for whenever I am struggling with something like this I should refer back to this statement of mine and remember and heed by it.
I think I'm going to continue with my theme next time on a little more of the past, this time the most pivotal, the turning points, downfall, and exact moments of realisation in my life to initiate my shift in lifestyle and new found self.
-The things I don't want to change about myself-
I have found that there are things in my journey that directly conflict my search for and goal to obtain a solid machismo. Unfortunately, these things are things I love and have interest in. So I'll start right away by naming off some things. I love the colour purple, I think it's a beautiful colour, all it's shades to me just marks extreme levels of profoundness and depth. Sadly, purple is seen as a feminine colour, which makes me wonder since when did colours take on sexual distinction? I think that's pretty stupid.
Next are the shows and movies I like to watch, now a lot of me is a man's man in films and television programmes, I love watching sports especially soccer and love good action flicks. Yet part of me also loves a good romantic comedy like 27 Dresses, some musicals like Chicago, your classic romances such as Gone with the Wind or Casablanca, your common chick flick like 9 to 5 or Fried Green Tomatoes. While television programmes wise I love women's sitcoms like The Nanny, The Golden Girls, or other shows geared more toward a female audience like Charmed and Sex and the City. Of course liking these things really minuses from my masculine image when people hear about them, but I really like those shows and films I mentioned to me they spark an interest and are good entertainment.
My music tastes also reflect a side of feminism, I like pop (80s pop more specifically) that's my favourite kind of music and I listen to mostly female singers like Lady Gaga, Donna Summer, Olivia Newton-John (who I think is hot by the way), and many others. Most guys I know love rock or alternative bands like Nickelback and even bands I've never listened to, but have heard of like Coheed and Cambria and many many others. Some other things I like in this same theme are flowers, I think they're beautiful and I have a strong interest in botany, I actually even have a favourite flower, the red hibiscus. I just wish people didn't think if you like something feminine you're discounted as a man.I guess it can definitely be said I'm in touch with my feminine side, which for some girls can be a plus but most seem to like the rugged, manly, super man's man, which I do at least have got rugged down, as well as some man's man. 2 out of 3 isn't so bad.
-Influence and Enabling-
I think one of my biggest ties that keeps me partially in the old world is influence and enablement, and this impedes me from fully entering the world I want to live in and the self I want to be. As much as I am a loner person I do love cheering people up, and making people happy, and thus I tend to be too open at times. This can get me into trouble, especially when I've tried my luck at sexual sites to engage women into my sexual fantasies. I know writing that sounded wrong, but I see it as a way to help my attraction stay focused on the wonder and sexuality of women. Unfortunately a lot of those sites are also home to droves of gay men, so I get picked up on by them, liking what I have (we'll leave it at that). Me, partly being naive seeks to try to be friends with these men and appease them so in many cases I get influenced by them and manipulation, though I am aware it is happening. It usually ends with me showing them what I have and something sexual occurring, though I'm not too interested in what they have, keep in mind those occurrences only happen on the internet, not in person. But overall, it's still deterring me from what I really want, a life away from that and the past,
I still struggle with that issue now, I'm trying to find a way to curb my sexuality, which at times I can find daunting. Admittedly, I feel I have a rather high sex-drive and I wish I didn't, sometimes I feel it gets in the way of a lot of things, and so I dub this part of me which I despise as my bouts of hypersexuality. Times where I get too wrapped up in sexual feelings that I seek to relieve those needs often ending, in my opinion, in self-destructive ways. Such as with signing up for sexual websites (which I often realise as a bad thing and delete my account after a week or two) but I've gone on sexual sites many times. Overall I have to stay focused and find a way which does not tap into or enable my hypersexuality, I need to find a productive way to relieve that, which is why I am looking into a sensual toy, but it is costly so I haven't purchased one yet. Another facet of this is that when I'm hypersexual I feel bad about myself, like being aroused so much is immoral, even if I'm not relieving it in self-destructive ways. I just need better self-control is all. I need to make a definite schism of my sexuality from influential behaviours and most of all close myself up to others about parts of my life which do not need to be discussed with such open willingness.
Sexuality though I find it's good to have an openness, too much is always a bad thing, it can overrun all aspects of your life you were previously stable in and undermine them. So for me at least it's best I keep that part of me tightly closed and only open it up to who deserves it when I enter a meaningful relationship. For that I must delete all sexual outlets which have me sharing myself with others, the only sexual outlets I need are my imagination and one-on-one materials, nothing involving another interacting person. I feel better having typed that like I made my head a bit more clear and stable, for whenever I am struggling with something like this I should refer back to this statement of mine and remember and heed by it.
I think I'm going to continue with my theme next time on a little more of the past, this time the most pivotal, the turning points, downfall, and exact moments of realisation in my life to initiate my shift in lifestyle and new found self.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Homophobe, denial, machismo, and separation.
Continuing on my last topic of my past in a gay lifestyle and my present journey in living and changing to a heterosexual lifestyle, I thought I should bring up the misconceptions I believe most people may postulate about my choices. Then I'll state some current worries and areas of growth I've experienced.
-Homophobia and Denial-
First off I can put it pretty clear I'm not a homophobe. I don't look down on what lifestyles a gay person lives, unless I think it's self-destructive such as with heavy drug-use or promiscuously unprotected sexual behaviour, but then again I still find myself exhibiting the attitude of live and let live. If you think you need to change how you live then you'll do it when you're ready or if you want to. As for me and my past in the gay lifestyle, I just think it wasn't for me, it wasn't a lifestyle I was happy leading, it wasn't in my mind ever going to fulfill my lifelong goals and my pursuits of happiness. In fact all I say it was a hindrance to the direction I wanted to take my life, having always wanted a family, it wouldn't be as easy raising one in a homosexual relationship from a governmental point of view, at least here in the US. I would also not be able to have children of my own, it is known that gay men and women can have children through surrogates or similar options but I would only want a child that is of me and the person I love, in which case if I were with another man, that would be impossible. It would only be of me and another woman, or of him and another woman, never of us together. And as I've said before other men may lead perfectly normal and happy lives within it, but it was not so for me, so I had chosen to change that.
I find people calling someone who has lived in the gay lifestyle a homophobe when they desire to change their lifestyle is a pretty ignorant claim. Just like I see ignorance when I hear people believing once you live in one lifestyle that's who you're meant to be. And many a person I have seen when they meet or know of a person wanting to come out of the gay lifestyle will say that the person desiring change is just in denial about themselves, that they need to accept their role as being truly a homosexual person and live with that. Does anyone really tell a person who has lived in the lifestyle of hard drugs now wanting to change and come clean that they're are indeed in denial? No, as people we accept their desire to change who they used to be and welcome that, we also support them in that decision as well. Now of course I can't equivocate homosexuality which is not really harmful to something truly detrimental like a drug habit, but the fact still remains that if someone desires to change something within them, they should not be criticised and discredited for it. So all in all I'm stating if anyone should care I think my decision for myself should be respected and not doubted or given criticism to.
-Machismo and Separation-
So to explain these topics in further detail, I'll need to revisit some of my past lifestyle. Basically there were moments in living in the lifestyle that I acted extremely feminine. I acted this way because I felt if men saw me in this light, especially the straight ones I had crushes on back in those days, they would want to be with me more for my semblance to an actual female. I had long hair, down past my shoulders and at some times at times I would put my hair up in women's hair accessories such as a ponytail band or a clip. I did at times wear some women's jewellery, and I had some ambiguous female clothes like a hooded sweater or a basic pair of pants, but nothing like a skirt or dress. I did not wear make-up as a day-to-day thing. I talked with a high feminine voice that got me asked many times in middle school if I had reached puberty yet (I began that at age 10 just for reference).
At times I felt deep down so much that I even wished to be a woman because it would make my life in my search for the one, the love of my life, even easier. And a few times I even dressed as a woman completely, such as at Halloween where I'd tell my parents it was for laughs, or at a major anime convention I used to go to, because no one cared there, and twice I did dress up in women's clothes to go to a gay bar. It became some delusion of mine that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I do know many guys do feel this way, but as I look back on myself doing those things, I did them most because I felt if I seemed more like a woman, it would get me a man easier and also by some grace of God I'd wake up one day as a woman, with a fully functioning reproductive system. Where I would be able to fall in love with the man of my dreams, and give birth to our own children. Delusions like that are never healthy, where you sit dreaming on them and dreaming on them, and never will they happen, you would only end up passing by all this time in your life hoping for them to come true, only to end up finally as a person who's missed many opportunities and is lonely and depressed that things never came to pass as you had hoped, because you sat on a wish rather than exerted action. And I knew that I was never going to alter my body permanently just to delude myself in this fantasy any further, although at one point I considered it strongly for a man who said he would take me that way, but in hindsight I definitely know it would have never worked out. I think that realisation was a snap for me to change as well.
Overcoming and changing my past femininity has been a great challenge. Some may ask why change that as there are effeminate straight men, but I don't like being seen as effeminate. Sure societally it makes me seen as less of a man, which I don't care for that societal viewpoint but I can't disavow society, I live in it and it's something no one can escape. As a man, I don't want to be seen as less than another guy, sure I may not be the tallest man, the most muscled, or have the deepest voice, but I want my actions and behaviours to reflect to others the respect a man gets when he is seen as a man. I think the hardest change has been the voice, I was so used to speaking with the higher voice for so long, it took a while to become deep, but I have achieved it. I feel I've assimilated myself well with my male peers and taken on my natural roles of masculinity very well, of course it's still a work in progress, but I'm viewed now as a man than less of one.
The act of separation has been a hard part of my journey, but I still strive to endure it. I think over everything I can label myself as undoubtedly a bisexual. I still am able to find another man attractive and I find women attractive. Yet, when asked my sexuality I tell people straight. The reason for this? Technically I am straight, though I can find both sexes attractive, I only seek sexual relations with women, not men, I no longer hook up sexually with men, and I don't desire to. Thus, I feel I am justified in saying I am straight. The looking at men in a sexual light has definitely been a difficult part of transitioning, because of old habits being difficult to break but it's been rewarding to relieve myself of that. How can I ever move forward if I cling onto the past? I cannot, so I must shed those things aside forever and I'll learn to be happy and live without that. Something painful in separation but I think essential for me at least has been separating myself from past acquaintances. I don't want anyone to really know the old me, for fear of being doubted, for fear of people assuming I'm just trying to cover up my past and that I can't change from it. Almost all of my friends I knew back then are no longer a part of my life except one. Now, I didn't intentionally cut all of them off and out of my life, most of it just happened to work out that way. A lot of those past friends moved away and distance and time took away the friendships we had. At work no one knows the past me ever existed and I like that, it makes me feel reborn in the life I'm now choosing to live, no past echoes or grievances to deride my future, it's a wonderful feeling.
The one friend I still do associate with from my past who knows how I used to be, she is supportive and does not question my change. It's a relief to have her though we don't communicate or get together as often as I would like. She was there for me when I got my first girlfriend (though my girlfriend was over the internet) and she's not uncomfortable talking about my new found lifestyle. Another thing I've decided to do to help build my machismo is I've taken up regularly exercising, lifting weights, and building muscle. This has been one of the most liberating things I've ever done and I enjoy it. Not only does it relieve stress, it heightens my testosterone and makes me feel more masculine, it also is better for my body and the ladies seem to like it. I also do my best thinking when I'm exercising, I feel my thoughts are clear and concise and I don't have much to distract me.
I think that will conclude for this entry. I'm thinking next I'll continue on with the theme of my change of lifestyle and discuss influentialism and the things I don't want to change about myself.
-Homophobia and Denial-
First off I can put it pretty clear I'm not a homophobe. I don't look down on what lifestyles a gay person lives, unless I think it's self-destructive such as with heavy drug-use or promiscuously unprotected sexual behaviour, but then again I still find myself exhibiting the attitude of live and let live. If you think you need to change how you live then you'll do it when you're ready or if you want to. As for me and my past in the gay lifestyle, I just think it wasn't for me, it wasn't a lifestyle I was happy leading, it wasn't in my mind ever going to fulfill my lifelong goals and my pursuits of happiness. In fact all I say it was a hindrance to the direction I wanted to take my life, having always wanted a family, it wouldn't be as easy raising one in a homosexual relationship from a governmental point of view, at least here in the US. I would also not be able to have children of my own, it is known that gay men and women can have children through surrogates or similar options but I would only want a child that is of me and the person I love, in which case if I were with another man, that would be impossible. It would only be of me and another woman, or of him and another woman, never of us together. And as I've said before other men may lead perfectly normal and happy lives within it, but it was not so for me, so I had chosen to change that.
I find people calling someone who has lived in the gay lifestyle a homophobe when they desire to change their lifestyle is a pretty ignorant claim. Just like I see ignorance when I hear people believing once you live in one lifestyle that's who you're meant to be. And many a person I have seen when they meet or know of a person wanting to come out of the gay lifestyle will say that the person desiring change is just in denial about themselves, that they need to accept their role as being truly a homosexual person and live with that. Does anyone really tell a person who has lived in the lifestyle of hard drugs now wanting to change and come clean that they're are indeed in denial? No, as people we accept their desire to change who they used to be and welcome that, we also support them in that decision as well. Now of course I can't equivocate homosexuality which is not really harmful to something truly detrimental like a drug habit, but the fact still remains that if someone desires to change something within them, they should not be criticised and discredited for it. So all in all I'm stating if anyone should care I think my decision for myself should be respected and not doubted or given criticism to.
-Machismo and Separation-
So to explain these topics in further detail, I'll need to revisit some of my past lifestyle. Basically there were moments in living in the lifestyle that I acted extremely feminine. I acted this way because I felt if men saw me in this light, especially the straight ones I had crushes on back in those days, they would want to be with me more for my semblance to an actual female. I had long hair, down past my shoulders and at some times at times I would put my hair up in women's hair accessories such as a ponytail band or a clip. I did at times wear some women's jewellery, and I had some ambiguous female clothes like a hooded sweater or a basic pair of pants, but nothing like a skirt or dress. I did not wear make-up as a day-to-day thing. I talked with a high feminine voice that got me asked many times in middle school if I had reached puberty yet (I began that at age 10 just for reference).
At times I felt deep down so much that I even wished to be a woman because it would make my life in my search for the one, the love of my life, even easier. And a few times I even dressed as a woman completely, such as at Halloween where I'd tell my parents it was for laughs, or at a major anime convention I used to go to, because no one cared there, and twice I did dress up in women's clothes to go to a gay bar. It became some delusion of mine that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I do know many guys do feel this way, but as I look back on myself doing those things, I did them most because I felt if I seemed more like a woman, it would get me a man easier and also by some grace of God I'd wake up one day as a woman, with a fully functioning reproductive system. Where I would be able to fall in love with the man of my dreams, and give birth to our own children. Delusions like that are never healthy, where you sit dreaming on them and dreaming on them, and never will they happen, you would only end up passing by all this time in your life hoping for them to come true, only to end up finally as a person who's missed many opportunities and is lonely and depressed that things never came to pass as you had hoped, because you sat on a wish rather than exerted action. And I knew that I was never going to alter my body permanently just to delude myself in this fantasy any further, although at one point I considered it strongly for a man who said he would take me that way, but in hindsight I definitely know it would have never worked out. I think that realisation was a snap for me to change as well.
Overcoming and changing my past femininity has been a great challenge. Some may ask why change that as there are effeminate straight men, but I don't like being seen as effeminate. Sure societally it makes me seen as less of a man, which I don't care for that societal viewpoint but I can't disavow society, I live in it and it's something no one can escape. As a man, I don't want to be seen as less than another guy, sure I may not be the tallest man, the most muscled, or have the deepest voice, but I want my actions and behaviours to reflect to others the respect a man gets when he is seen as a man. I think the hardest change has been the voice, I was so used to speaking with the higher voice for so long, it took a while to become deep, but I have achieved it. I feel I've assimilated myself well with my male peers and taken on my natural roles of masculinity very well, of course it's still a work in progress, but I'm viewed now as a man than less of one.
The act of separation has been a hard part of my journey, but I still strive to endure it. I think over everything I can label myself as undoubtedly a bisexual. I still am able to find another man attractive and I find women attractive. Yet, when asked my sexuality I tell people straight. The reason for this? Technically I am straight, though I can find both sexes attractive, I only seek sexual relations with women, not men, I no longer hook up sexually with men, and I don't desire to. Thus, I feel I am justified in saying I am straight. The looking at men in a sexual light has definitely been a difficult part of transitioning, because of old habits being difficult to break but it's been rewarding to relieve myself of that. How can I ever move forward if I cling onto the past? I cannot, so I must shed those things aside forever and I'll learn to be happy and live without that. Something painful in separation but I think essential for me at least has been separating myself from past acquaintances. I don't want anyone to really know the old me, for fear of being doubted, for fear of people assuming I'm just trying to cover up my past and that I can't change from it. Almost all of my friends I knew back then are no longer a part of my life except one. Now, I didn't intentionally cut all of them off and out of my life, most of it just happened to work out that way. A lot of those past friends moved away and distance and time took away the friendships we had. At work no one knows the past me ever existed and I like that, it makes me feel reborn in the life I'm now choosing to live, no past echoes or grievances to deride my future, it's a wonderful feeling.
The one friend I still do associate with from my past who knows how I used to be, she is supportive and does not question my change. It's a relief to have her though we don't communicate or get together as often as I would like. She was there for me when I got my first girlfriend (though my girlfriend was over the internet) and she's not uncomfortable talking about my new found lifestyle. Another thing I've decided to do to help build my machismo is I've taken up regularly exercising, lifting weights, and building muscle. This has been one of the most liberating things I've ever done and I enjoy it. Not only does it relieve stress, it heightens my testosterone and makes me feel more masculine, it also is better for my body and the ladies seem to like it. I also do my best thinking when I'm exercising, I feel my thoughts are clear and concise and I don't have much to distract me.
I think that will conclude for this entry. I'm thinking next I'll continue on with the theme of my change of lifestyle and discuss influentialism and the things I don't want to change about myself.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Creating a journal in order to discover the pieces of myself
To start off I don't know where to start on this. I have a lot of issues with myself, but I guess I should start the the point of why I came up with the idea to create this journal in the first place. My change of lifestyle from my former self to the self I am on the track to and want to become. Admittedly I feel like I've been a massively confused individual for an unfortunately long portion of my life. People always tell me 'just be yourself', but half the time I do not know who 'myself' is. I can pinpoint a few things here and there such as things I like and do not like, but that is about the extent of who I feel I know as myself. Anyways, the most crucial thing about myself I'm trying to overcome is my past lifestyle as a homosexual. So let me hit some bases on that.
First off, I had entered the homosexual lifestyle when I was 14, that was when I think I could honestly say I had only sexual thoughts about men, and I continued in it until the early parts of being the age of 21. I'm 22 now, closing in fast on 23 so I have been out of it for over a year now and am glad of that. So that portion of my life has taken a good 7 years and pretty much all of my time in puberty. All in all I do not desire to be homosexual, the reason why: my biggest dream for as long as I can remember, back to the age of 3, has been to have a family of my own, to have children and someday grandchildren. I know, in this vastly changing world there is nothing wrong with a gay couple creating a family, in fact I support gays being able to raise children. I think everyone in the world should have equal rights, but that is not the issue here, I'll get to that in a minute.
-The Past-
In my 7 years in the gay lifestyle, I'd have to say looking back a lot of it was a nightmare. It may be a good and joyous thing for other men, but I hated every minute of it. I often found myself feeling a lot of self-loathing, not because I hated being in the gay lifestyle or hated homosexuality, but because I hated how I acted and what behaviours I exhibited. I noticed that for me at least I was a manipulative individual, I would do almost anything to get what I wanted. I said things behind people's back, took things behind people's back, and twisted people's words to get my way, those were not the actions any good person would do. I hated how in high school and my very last year of middle school, I would pine over these entirely heterosexual classmates of mine and form fantasies in my head, delusions if you will, that they belonged to me and one day would realise they felt the same way for me as I did or them. Ultimately though it would always end in them breaking from my delusion somehow, usually by me seeing them with their girlfriend or in a few cases making fun of me for being effeminate (as I was very strongly back then) and I would end up heart-broken. Though, in all reality, they never knew I really existed let alone the feelings I had held for them.
In regards to the sexual part of my gay lifestyle, I would take up horrible actions at times to satisfy my sexual needs. At my most tame, I would look at gay porn and get off to that which is no issue and does not harm anyone for the most part. At my worst, I would seek out men online either on the online games I played, or in signing up for adult websites and yes, I was underage for some of them, but on both the online games and the adult websites, I would pose myself as a girl over the internet and hit on men in coy fashion to get them to show me their genitals and perform sexual actions via webcam for me to see and get off to while I lured them on with sexual conversation. In a few cases, I had even fallen in love with some of the men I did that to, never two men at the same time, but it's happened more then once. In one scenario I had a man in Europe who would send me small gifts in the mail. And in an extreme scenario I even became bold and showed another man who I was sexually involved with over the internet my webcam, since I was still losing weight I had a curvy figure which I played off on being a woman's, I tucked my genitals between my legs to 'seal the deal'. As I sit here and just typed those sentences, I wonder what kind of messed up person would do things like that?
Apart from online instances, I have had few real-life sexual encounters and in that regard, I am sort of glad. I won't go into the details of those, but I will describe my feelings toward them. Gay relationship-wise which I mean as being a boyfriend to another man, I had only ever had two such relationships. My first relationship ever which happened when I had just turned 18, never took off really. It was with a friend of mine's cousin who was bisexual. I never got to see him because I couldn't drive a car and he lived a few towns over, in addition to that, he was often in trouble with the law and was even sent to juvenile detention for 3 months or so. All in all that action of his ended our supposed relationship, of which we only ever had one date. I have never spoken to him again, it's been almost 5 years since then.
My only other boyfriend I've ever had was when I first started college I was 18 then too, and to be honest I didn't really like him at all. He was a friend of my best friend's boyfriend, whom I met for the first time at a gay bar. We got acquainted through our friends, and later that night we participated in some sexual actions at my best friend's house. I later learned that he was only after me for just that sexual interaction. But we tried to make a relationship out of it anyway and it only lasted two weeks. It didn't work mainly because I just did not like the man's attitude, he was very sarcastic all the time which turned me off from him completely. Often he would treat me as if I knew nothing about life as I was 18 and he was 23, 5 years of an age difference really took a toll on our relationship because of my lack of independence whereas he was plenty independent. Lastly, he had chosen in his life to go on the route of just being someone who goes to work right out of high school, whereas I was going to college and earning a higher education, and college kept me from seeing him a lot of the time. To be honest, I think the only reason I feigned interest in him was purely because of the sexual things, it might not be best to say here, but he sparked my interest because of the size of his genitals, enough said on that.
So having listed the only two gay committed relationships I've been in, one having no sexual encounters at all, and the other being based almost solely on sexual encounters, I should now discuss the sexual encounters I have had outside being in a relationship. It seems every time I just finished a sexual encounter with another man, and I should mention I've never done anything sexual with anyone whom I didn't know prior, I would always end up feeling dirty and used. Often in those situations, I'd go in for a sexual encounter and leave either soon after, or a little while after in which after we both pretty much ignored each other until time I had to leave. I am proud to say however that in all the sexual encounters I've had with other men, which admittedly hasn't been a lot, that I am still a virgin. Sadly, I have never really been in a real time relationship with a woman, let alone have had sexual encounters with one. And in my quest to turn my lifestyle around, that is against me.
Sexually I should state that I've always been a person who has seen sex and sexual actions as something that should only be done while being in a relationship and not just done openly. I'm a very old-fashioned person in regards to monogamy. I've always wanted those sorts of things to be special, so I think that is why after any sexual encounter I had with a man outside of being in a relationship I would feel so used and hurt by it, because of my mentality towards sex.
I'll end this update here and update more on this topic in another update at a later time. I feel if I become to wordy and create too much to talk about in one post I'll lose track of the feelings I really want to express, the thoughts I really want to convey, and the things I really want to scrutinise.
First off, I had entered the homosexual lifestyle when I was 14, that was when I think I could honestly say I had only sexual thoughts about men, and I continued in it until the early parts of being the age of 21. I'm 22 now, closing in fast on 23 so I have been out of it for over a year now and am glad of that. So that portion of my life has taken a good 7 years and pretty much all of my time in puberty. All in all I do not desire to be homosexual, the reason why: my biggest dream for as long as I can remember, back to the age of 3, has been to have a family of my own, to have children and someday grandchildren. I know, in this vastly changing world there is nothing wrong with a gay couple creating a family, in fact I support gays being able to raise children. I think everyone in the world should have equal rights, but that is not the issue here, I'll get to that in a minute.
-The Past-
In my 7 years in the gay lifestyle, I'd have to say looking back a lot of it was a nightmare. It may be a good and joyous thing for other men, but I hated every minute of it. I often found myself feeling a lot of self-loathing, not because I hated being in the gay lifestyle or hated homosexuality, but because I hated how I acted and what behaviours I exhibited. I noticed that for me at least I was a manipulative individual, I would do almost anything to get what I wanted. I said things behind people's back, took things behind people's back, and twisted people's words to get my way, those were not the actions any good person would do. I hated how in high school and my very last year of middle school, I would pine over these entirely heterosexual classmates of mine and form fantasies in my head, delusions if you will, that they belonged to me and one day would realise they felt the same way for me as I did or them. Ultimately though it would always end in them breaking from my delusion somehow, usually by me seeing them with their girlfriend or in a few cases making fun of me for being effeminate (as I was very strongly back then) and I would end up heart-broken. Though, in all reality, they never knew I really existed let alone the feelings I had held for them.
In regards to the sexual part of my gay lifestyle, I would take up horrible actions at times to satisfy my sexual needs. At my most tame, I would look at gay porn and get off to that which is no issue and does not harm anyone for the most part. At my worst, I would seek out men online either on the online games I played, or in signing up for adult websites and yes, I was underage for some of them, but on both the online games and the adult websites, I would pose myself as a girl over the internet and hit on men in coy fashion to get them to show me their genitals and perform sexual actions via webcam for me to see and get off to while I lured them on with sexual conversation. In a few cases, I had even fallen in love with some of the men I did that to, never two men at the same time, but it's happened more then once. In one scenario I had a man in Europe who would send me small gifts in the mail. And in an extreme scenario I even became bold and showed another man who I was sexually involved with over the internet my webcam, since I was still losing weight I had a curvy figure which I played off on being a woman's, I tucked my genitals between my legs to 'seal the deal'. As I sit here and just typed those sentences, I wonder what kind of messed up person would do things like that?
Apart from online instances, I have had few real-life sexual encounters and in that regard, I am sort of glad. I won't go into the details of those, but I will describe my feelings toward them. Gay relationship-wise which I mean as being a boyfriend to another man, I had only ever had two such relationships. My first relationship ever which happened when I had just turned 18, never took off really. It was with a friend of mine's cousin who was bisexual. I never got to see him because I couldn't drive a car and he lived a few towns over, in addition to that, he was often in trouble with the law and was even sent to juvenile detention for 3 months or so. All in all that action of his ended our supposed relationship, of which we only ever had one date. I have never spoken to him again, it's been almost 5 years since then.
My only other boyfriend I've ever had was when I first started college I was 18 then too, and to be honest I didn't really like him at all. He was a friend of my best friend's boyfriend, whom I met for the first time at a gay bar. We got acquainted through our friends, and later that night we participated in some sexual actions at my best friend's house. I later learned that he was only after me for just that sexual interaction. But we tried to make a relationship out of it anyway and it only lasted two weeks. It didn't work mainly because I just did not like the man's attitude, he was very sarcastic all the time which turned me off from him completely. Often he would treat me as if I knew nothing about life as I was 18 and he was 23, 5 years of an age difference really took a toll on our relationship because of my lack of independence whereas he was plenty independent. Lastly, he had chosen in his life to go on the route of just being someone who goes to work right out of high school, whereas I was going to college and earning a higher education, and college kept me from seeing him a lot of the time. To be honest, I think the only reason I feigned interest in him was purely because of the sexual things, it might not be best to say here, but he sparked my interest because of the size of his genitals, enough said on that.
So having listed the only two gay committed relationships I've been in, one having no sexual encounters at all, and the other being based almost solely on sexual encounters, I should now discuss the sexual encounters I have had outside being in a relationship. It seems every time I just finished a sexual encounter with another man, and I should mention I've never done anything sexual with anyone whom I didn't know prior, I would always end up feeling dirty and used. Often in those situations, I'd go in for a sexual encounter and leave either soon after, or a little while after in which after we both pretty much ignored each other until time I had to leave. I am proud to say however that in all the sexual encounters I've had with other men, which admittedly hasn't been a lot, that I am still a virgin. Sadly, I have never really been in a real time relationship with a woman, let alone have had sexual encounters with one. And in my quest to turn my lifestyle around, that is against me.
Sexually I should state that I've always been a person who has seen sex and sexual actions as something that should only be done while being in a relationship and not just done openly. I'm a very old-fashioned person in regards to monogamy. I've always wanted those sorts of things to be special, so I think that is why after any sexual encounter I had with a man outside of being in a relationship I would feel so used and hurt by it, because of my mentality towards sex.
I'll end this update here and update more on this topic in another update at a later time. I feel if I become to wordy and create too much to talk about in one post I'll lose track of the feelings I really want to express, the thoughts I really want to convey, and the things I really want to scrutinise.
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