To start off I don't know where to start on this. I have a lot of issues with myself, but I guess I should start the the point of why I came up with the idea to create this journal in the first place. My change of lifestyle from my former self to the self I am on the track to and want to become. Admittedly I feel like I've been a massively confused individual for an unfortunately long portion of my life. People always tell me 'just be yourself', but half the time I do not know who 'myself' is. I can pinpoint a few things here and there such as things I like and do not like, but that is about the extent of who I feel I know as myself. Anyways, the most crucial thing about myself I'm trying to overcome is my past lifestyle as a homosexual. So let me hit some bases on that.
First off, I had entered the homosexual lifestyle when I was 14, that was when I think I could honestly say I had only sexual thoughts about men, and I continued in it until the early parts of being the age of 21. I'm 22 now, closing in fast on 23 so I have been out of it for over a year now and am glad of that. So that portion of my life has taken a good 7 years and pretty much all of my time in puberty. All in all I do not desire to be homosexual, the reason why: my biggest dream for as long as I can remember, back to the age of 3, has been to have a family of my own, to have children and someday grandchildren. I know, in this vastly changing world there is nothing wrong with a gay couple creating a family, in fact I support gays being able to raise children. I think everyone in the world should have equal rights, but that is not the issue here, I'll get to that in a minute.
-The Past-
In my 7 years in the gay lifestyle, I'd have to say looking back a lot of it was a nightmare. It may be a good and joyous thing for other men, but I hated every minute of it. I often found myself feeling a lot of self-loathing, not because I hated being in the gay lifestyle or hated homosexuality, but because I hated how I acted and what behaviours I exhibited. I noticed that for me at least I was a manipulative individual, I would do almost anything to get what I wanted. I said things behind people's back, took things behind people's back, and twisted people's words to get my way, those were not the actions any good person would do. I hated how in high school and my very last year of middle school, I would pine over these entirely heterosexual classmates of mine and form fantasies in my head, delusions if you will, that they belonged to me and one day would realise they felt the same way for me as I did or them. Ultimately though it would always end in them breaking from my delusion somehow, usually by me seeing them with their girlfriend or in a few cases making fun of me for being effeminate (as I was very strongly back then) and I would end up heart-broken. Though, in all reality, they never knew I really existed let alone the feelings I had held for them.
In regards to the sexual part of my gay lifestyle, I would take up horrible actions at times to satisfy my sexual needs. At my most tame, I would look at gay porn and get off to that which is no issue and does not harm anyone for the most part. At my worst, I would seek out men online either on the online games I played, or in signing up for adult websites and yes, I was underage for some of them, but on both the online games and the adult websites, I would pose myself as a girl over the internet and hit on men in coy fashion to get them to show me their genitals and perform sexual actions via webcam for me to see and get off to while I lured them on with sexual conversation. In a few cases, I had even fallen in love with some of the men I did that to, never two men at the same time, but it's happened more then once. In one scenario I had a man in Europe who would send me small gifts in the mail. And in an extreme scenario I even became bold and showed another man who I was sexually involved with over the internet my webcam, since I was still losing weight I had a curvy figure which I played off on being a woman's, I tucked my genitals between my legs to 'seal the deal'. As I sit here and just typed those sentences, I wonder what kind of messed up person would do things like that?
Apart from online instances, I have had few real-life sexual encounters and in that regard, I am sort of glad. I won't go into the details of those, but I will describe my feelings toward them. Gay relationship-wise which I mean as being a boyfriend to another man, I had only ever had two such relationships. My first relationship ever which happened when I had just turned 18, never took off really. It was with a friend of mine's cousin who was bisexual. I never got to see him because I couldn't drive a car and he lived a few towns over, in addition to that, he was often in trouble with the law and was even sent to juvenile detention for 3 months or so. All in all that action of his ended our supposed relationship, of which we only ever had one date. I have never spoken to him again, it's been almost 5 years since then.
My only other boyfriend I've ever had was when I first started college I was 18 then too, and to be honest I didn't really like him at all. He was a friend of my best friend's boyfriend, whom I met for the first time at a gay bar. We got acquainted through our friends, and later that night we participated in some sexual actions at my best friend's house. I later learned that he was only after me for just that sexual interaction. But we tried to make a relationship out of it anyway and it only lasted two weeks. It didn't work mainly because I just did not like the man's attitude, he was very sarcastic all the time which turned me off from him completely. Often he would treat me as if I knew nothing about life as I was 18 and he was 23, 5 years of an age difference really took a toll on our relationship because of my lack of independence whereas he was plenty independent. Lastly, he had chosen in his life to go on the route of just being someone who goes to work right out of high school, whereas I was going to college and earning a higher education, and college kept me from seeing him a lot of the time. To be honest, I think the only reason I feigned interest in him was purely because of the sexual things, it might not be best to say here, but he sparked my interest because of the size of his genitals, enough said on that.
So having listed the only two gay committed relationships I've been in, one having no sexual encounters at all, and the other being based almost solely on sexual encounters, I should now discuss the sexual encounters I have had outside being in a relationship. It seems every time I just finished a sexual encounter with another man, and I should mention I've never done anything sexual with anyone whom I didn't know prior, I would always end up feeling dirty and used. Often in those situations, I'd go in for a sexual encounter and leave either soon after, or a little while after in which after we both pretty much ignored each other until time I had to leave. I am proud to say however that in all the sexual encounters I've had with other men, which admittedly hasn't been a lot, that I am still a virgin. Sadly, I have never really been in a real time relationship with a woman, let alone have had sexual encounters with one. And in my quest to turn my lifestyle around, that is against me.
Sexually I should state that I've always been a person who has seen sex and sexual actions as something that should only be done while being in a relationship and not just done openly. I'm a very old-fashioned person in regards to monogamy. I've always wanted those sorts of things to be special, so I think that is why after any sexual encounter I had with a man outside of being in a relationship I would feel so used and hurt by it, because of my mentality towards sex.
I'll end this update here and update more on this topic in another update at a later time. I feel if I become to wordy and create too much to talk about in one post I'll lose track of the feelings I really want to express, the thoughts I really want to convey, and the things I really want to scrutinise.
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