Continuing on my last topic of my past in a gay lifestyle and my present journey in living and changing to a heterosexual lifestyle, I thought I should bring up the misconceptions I believe most people may postulate about my choices. Then I'll state some current worries and areas of growth I've experienced.
-Homophobia and Denial-
First off I can put it pretty clear I'm not a homophobe. I don't look down on what lifestyles a gay person lives, unless I think it's self-destructive such as with heavy drug-use or promiscuously unprotected sexual behaviour, but then again I still find myself exhibiting the attitude of live and let live. If you think you need to change how you live then you'll do it when you're ready or if you want to. As for me and my past in the gay lifestyle, I just think it wasn't for me, it wasn't a lifestyle I was happy leading, it wasn't in my mind ever going to fulfill my lifelong goals and my pursuits of happiness. In fact all I say it was a hindrance to the direction I wanted to take my life, having always wanted a family, it wouldn't be as easy raising one in a homosexual relationship from a governmental point of view, at least here in the US. I would also not be able to have children of my own, it is known that gay men and women can have children through surrogates or similar options but I would only want a child that is of me and the person I love, in which case if I were with another man, that would be impossible. It would only be of me and another woman, or of him and another woman, never of us together. And as I've said before other men may lead perfectly normal and happy lives within it, but it was not so for me, so I had chosen to change that.
I find people calling someone who has lived in the gay lifestyle a homophobe when they desire to change their lifestyle is a pretty ignorant claim. Just like I see ignorance when I hear people believing once you live in one lifestyle that's who you're meant to be. And many a person I have seen when they meet or know of a person wanting to come out of the gay lifestyle will say that the person desiring change is just in denial about themselves, that they need to accept their role as being truly a homosexual person and live with that. Does anyone really tell a person who has lived in the lifestyle of hard drugs now wanting to change and come clean that they're are indeed in denial? No, as people we accept their desire to change who they used to be and welcome that, we also support them in that decision as well. Now of course I can't equivocate homosexuality which is not really harmful to something truly detrimental like a drug habit, but the fact still remains that if someone desires to change something within them, they should not be criticised and discredited for it. So all in all I'm stating if anyone should care I think my decision for myself should be respected and not doubted or given criticism to.
-Machismo and Separation-
So to explain these topics in further detail, I'll need to revisit some of my past lifestyle. Basically there were moments in living in the lifestyle that I acted extremely feminine. I acted this way because I felt if men saw me in this light, especially the straight ones I had crushes on back in those days, they would want to be with me more for my semblance to an actual female. I had long hair, down past my shoulders and at some times at times I would put my hair up in women's hair accessories such as a ponytail band or a clip. I did at times wear some women's jewellery, and I had some ambiguous female clothes like a hooded sweater or a basic pair of pants, but nothing like a skirt or dress. I did not wear make-up as a day-to-day thing. I talked with a high feminine voice that got me asked many times in middle school if I had reached puberty yet (I began that at age 10 just for reference).
At times I felt deep down so much that I even wished to be a woman because it would make my life in my search for the one, the love of my life, even easier. And a few times I even dressed as a woman completely, such as at Halloween where I'd tell my parents it was for laughs, or at a major anime convention I used to go to, because no one cared there, and twice I did dress up in women's clothes to go to a gay bar. It became some delusion of mine that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I do know many guys do feel this way, but as I look back on myself doing those things, I did them most because I felt if I seemed more like a woman, it would get me a man easier and also by some grace of God I'd wake up one day as a woman, with a fully functioning reproductive system. Where I would be able to fall in love with the man of my dreams, and give birth to our own children. Delusions like that are never healthy, where you sit dreaming on them and dreaming on them, and never will they happen, you would only end up passing by all this time in your life hoping for them to come true, only to end up finally as a person who's missed many opportunities and is lonely and depressed that things never came to pass as you had hoped, because you sat on a wish rather than exerted action. And I knew that I was never going to alter my body permanently just to delude myself in this fantasy any further, although at one point I considered it strongly for a man who said he would take me that way, but in hindsight I definitely know it would have never worked out. I think that realisation was a snap for me to change as well.
Overcoming and changing my past femininity has been a great challenge. Some may ask why change that as there are effeminate straight men, but I don't like being seen as effeminate. Sure societally it makes me seen as less of a man, which I don't care for that societal viewpoint but I can't disavow society, I live in it and it's something no one can escape. As a man, I don't want to be seen as less than another guy, sure I may not be the tallest man, the most muscled, or have the deepest voice, but I want my actions and behaviours to reflect to others the respect a man gets when he is seen as a man. I think the hardest change has been the voice, I was so used to speaking with the higher voice for so long, it took a while to become deep, but I have achieved it. I feel I've assimilated myself well with my male peers and taken on my natural roles of masculinity very well, of course it's still a work in progress, but I'm viewed now as a man than less of one.
The act of separation has been a hard part of my journey, but I still strive to endure it. I think over everything I can label myself as undoubtedly a bisexual. I still am able to find another man attractive and I find women attractive. Yet, when asked my sexuality I tell people straight. The reason for this? Technically I am straight, though I can find both sexes attractive, I only seek sexual relations with women, not men, I no longer hook up sexually with men, and I don't desire to. Thus, I feel I am justified in saying I am straight. The looking at men in a sexual light has definitely been a difficult part of transitioning, because of old habits being difficult to break but it's been rewarding to relieve myself of that. How can I ever move forward if I cling onto the past? I cannot, so I must shed those things aside forever and I'll learn to be happy and live without that. Something painful in separation but I think essential for me at least has been separating myself from past acquaintances. I don't want anyone to really know the old me, for fear of being doubted, for fear of people assuming I'm just trying to cover up my past and that I can't change from it. Almost all of my friends I knew back then are no longer a part of my life except one. Now, I didn't intentionally cut all of them off and out of my life, most of it just happened to work out that way. A lot of those past friends moved away and distance and time took away the friendships we had. At work no one knows the past me ever existed and I like that, it makes me feel reborn in the life I'm now choosing to live, no past echoes or grievances to deride my future, it's a wonderful feeling.
The one friend I still do associate with from my past who knows how I used to be, she is supportive and does not question my change. It's a relief to have her though we don't communicate or get together as often as I would like. She was there for me when I got my first girlfriend (though my girlfriend was over the internet) and she's not uncomfortable talking about my new found lifestyle. Another thing I've decided to do to help build my machismo is I've taken up regularly exercising, lifting weights, and building muscle. This has been one of the most liberating things I've ever done and I enjoy it. Not only does it relieve stress, it heightens my testosterone and makes me feel more masculine, it also is better for my body and the ladies seem to like it. I also do my best thinking when I'm exercising, I feel my thoughts are clear and concise and I don't have much to distract me.
I think that will conclude for this entry. I'm thinking next I'll continue on with the theme of my change of lifestyle and discuss influentialism and the things I don't want to change about myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment