Influence and the things I don't want to change.

So on track with my last 2 posts, rehashing my change of lifestyle. I'm going to visit the things that I don't want to change about myself for sake of machismo, and my difficulties with influentialism and well as another issue.

-The things I don't want to change about myself-
I have found that there are things in my journey that directly conflict my search for and goal to obtain a solid machismo. Unfortunately, these things are things I love and have interest in. So I'll start right away by naming off some things. I love the colour purple, I think it's a beautiful colour, all it's shades to me just marks extreme levels of profoundness and depth. Sadly, purple is seen as a feminine colour, which makes me wonder since when did colours take on sexual distinction? I think that's pretty stupid.

Next are the shows and movies I like to watch, now a lot of me is a man's man in films and television programmes, I love watching sports especially soccer and love good action flicks. Yet part of me also loves a good romantic comedy like 27 Dresses, some musicals like Chicago, your classic romances such as Gone with the Wind or Casablanca, your common chick flick like 9 to 5 or Fried Green Tomatoes. While television programmes wise I love women's sitcoms like The Nanny, The Golden Girls, or other shows geared more toward a female audience like Charmed and Sex and the City. Of course liking these things really minuses from my masculine image when people hear about them, but I really like those shows and films I mentioned to me they spark an interest and are good entertainment.

My music tastes also reflect a side of feminism, I like pop (80s pop more specifically) that's my favourite kind of music and I listen to mostly female singers like Lady Gaga, Donna Summer, Olivia Newton-John (who I think is hot by the way), and many others. Most guys I know love rock or alternative bands like Nickelback and even bands I've never listened to, but have heard of like Coheed and Cambria and many many others. Some other things I like in this same theme are flowers, I think they're beautiful and I have a strong interest in botany, I actually even have a favourite flower, the red hibiscus. I just wish people didn't think if you like something feminine you're discounted as a man.I guess it can definitely be said I'm in touch with my feminine side, which for some girls can be a plus but most seem to like the rugged, manly, super man's man, which I do at least have got rugged down, as well as some man's man. 2 out of 3 isn't so bad.

-Influence and Enabling-
I think one of my biggest ties that keeps me partially in the old world is influence and enablement, and this impedes me from fully entering the world I want to live in and the self I want to be. As much as I am a loner person I do love cheering people up, and making people happy, and thus I tend to be too open at times. This can get me into trouble, especially when I've tried my luck at sexual sites to engage women into my sexual fantasies. I know writing that sounded wrong, but I see it as a way to help my attraction stay focused on the wonder and sexuality of women. Unfortunately a lot of those sites are also home to droves of gay men, so I get picked up on by them, liking what I have (we'll leave it at that). Me, partly being naive seeks to try to be friends with these men and appease them so in many cases I get influenced by them and manipulation, though I am aware it is happening. It usually ends with me showing them what I have and something sexual occurring, though I'm not too interested in what they have, keep in mind those occurrences only happen on the internet, not in person. But overall, it's still deterring me from what I really want, a life away from that and the past,

I still struggle with that issue now, I'm trying to find a way to curb my sexuality, which at times I can find daunting. Admittedly, I feel I have a rather high sex-drive and I wish I didn't, sometimes I feel it gets in the way of a lot of things, and so I dub this part of me which I despise as my bouts of hypersexuality. Times where I get too wrapped up in sexual feelings that I seek to relieve those needs often ending, in my opinion, in self-destructive ways. Such as with signing up for sexual websites (which I often realise as a bad thing and delete my account after a week or two) but I've gone on sexual sites many times. Overall I have to stay focused and find a way which does not tap into or enable my hypersexuality, I need to find a productive way to relieve that, which is why I am looking into a sensual toy, but it is costly so I haven't purchased one yet. Another facet of this is that when I'm hypersexual I feel bad about myself, like being aroused so much is immoral, even if I'm not relieving it in self-destructive ways. I just need better self-control is all. I need to make a definite schism of my sexuality from influential behaviours and most of all close myself up to others about parts of my life which do not need to be discussed with such open willingness.

Sexuality though I find it's good to have an openness, too much is always a bad thing, it can overrun all aspects of your life you were previously stable in and undermine them. So for me at least it's best I keep that part of me tightly closed and only open it up to who deserves it when I enter a meaningful relationship. For that I must delete all sexual outlets which have me sharing myself with others, the only sexual outlets I need are my imagination and one-on-one materials, nothing involving another interacting person. I feel better having typed that like I made my head a bit more clear and stable, for whenever I am struggling with something like this I should refer back to this statement of mine and remember and heed by it.

I think I'm going to continue with my theme next time on a little more of the past, this time the most pivotal, the turning points, downfall, and exact moments of realisation in my life to initiate my shift in lifestyle and new found self.